Five things I’d like to remember.
One.
This conversation that happened over a few weekends ago.
We were on our way to a Chinese restaurant that my mom had chosen. J was driving, and my dad was in the passenger’s seat. I was sitting in the back with baby, naming the various sea animals from her crinkle book Sea Tails (trying my hardest to make her laugh because she sometimes gets frustrated by long car rides), when I asked my dad how do you say “seahorse” in Spanish.
Caballo del mar, he says.
I imagine a stallion running along the bottom of the ocean.
I then ask J how do you say “seahorse” in Japanese.
He doesn’t quite remember but gives me an almost literal translation and says, umi no uma or the sea’s horse.
I imagine opening a tiny cafe in Kyoto named Umi no Uma.
(Later he tells me the proper wording is tatsuno otoshigo.)
I love this entire exchange.
After lunch, our server brings out a tray of fortune cookies. It has been years since I’d had one (I used to collect the fortunes when I was younger, very much a believer that these fortune cookies were a predictor of some unknown future.) I’m so excited to read my fortune that I don’t even bother to eat the cookie, it reads: pleasures can be found at the seashore.
Later that evening, I go upstairs to our bedroom and do Emmie’s Full Moon Rest, one of my favorite monthly yoga practices.
We sway from side bend to twist, with no specific cueing or form, it feels so freeing. “Move your arms like seaweed,” she says. We move into short savasana’s in between these more active poses. Laying on my mat, I stretch my arms wide and my legs long.
I am a starfish, I think.
I guess that fortune cookie was right.
Two.
Pour love into yourself.
Pour love into yourself. When your anxiety runs high. Pour love into yourself. When you feel lonely. Pour love into yourself. When you’d rather scroll than be present. Pour love into yourself. Soak in the sun’s rays. Pour love into yourself. Smile. Pour love into. yourself. Close your eyes. Pour love into yourself. Indulge in your joys. Pour love into yourself. Pour love into yourself. Pour love into yourself. Pour love into yourself.
Three.
It’s Day 2 and she’s downstairs.
It’s a holiday and J. has the day off from work. The daily routine that baby and I maintain, is off a bit. She’s napping, the tv is on and I took a longer shower than usual. I’m going through my skincare routine, when J opens the bathroom door to check-in on our plans for the day. Before he leaves, he says “hey, it’s day 2 and she’s downstairs.” I don’t get what he’s referring to at first, as he reiterates it, “it’s day 2 and she’s downstairs. She’s asleep. She’s here.”
For almost 2 years, we struggled to conceive. Every period represented a failed cycle. A moment of grief. I would cry in the bathroom after meticulously tracking my cycle and basal body temperature, doing bi-weekly (sometimes weekly) acupuncture sessions, taking beef liver and maca supplements, drinking Chinese herbs that were bitter and hard to swallow, working with naturopaths, and setting new moon intentions, pulling tarot cards and buying fertility crystals — all of this and more in the hopes of bringing home a child.
It’s day 2 and she’s downstairs.
When my bleed used to represent a failure, when I would grieve if I ever could become a mother. When I cried that the world was so unfair. Now, my period just is.
Four.
This poem.
The Healing Time
by Pesha Gertler
Finally on my way to yes
I bump into
all the places
where I said no
to my life
all the untended wounds
the red and purple scars
those hieroglyphs of pain
carved into my skin, my bones,
those coded messages
that send me down
the wrong street
again and again
where I find them
the old wounds
the old misdirections
and I lift them
one by one
close to my heart
and I say holy
holy.
Five.
Thank you so much for being here!
xo
p.s. what touched your heart this week? please let me know in the comments!
Joscelyne, this was just so magical to read, especially the first story that is connected in so many wonderful ways to the sea 💜⭐️ The Day 2 story is so moving too. Btw, when your Kyoto cafe named Umi no Uma opens, I’m there! 🥰